This team has no resemblance to the documents released by FIFA every centenary. Any insult directed at or offence caused to anyone living or dead, virgin or molested, hung-over or sober is completely deliberate and thoroughly enjoyed.
We shall be playing the 3-4-2-1 Formation.
Lev Yashin - GOALKEEPER
Claim to Fame: Soviet Union, Dynamo Moscow.
Yashin invented GK sweeping. The only goalie in history to have won European Footballer of the Year, Lev saved over 150 penalty kicks in a distinguished career in which he also played an instrumental role in winning a Euro Championship for the Soviets. With this monster in goal, to score the opposites would need to bring a few lasses to flash tits.
Paolo Maldini - DEFENDER
Claim to Fame: Italy, AC Milan, Bonded Slavery.
If the Yanks were to have forced intercourse with football and introduce separate attacking and defensive teams in MLS, Paolo Maldini would feature in both of them. The younger ones may remember him as a robust defender, but this bloke started his career as one of the most swashbuckling fullbacks. Put him anywhere in defence and he would give a performance of the best specialist in history. His place in the squad is a no-brainer.
Daniel Passarella - DEFENDER
Claim to Fame: Argentina, Fiorentina, Inter Milan.
Argentina's very own Captain Majestic, Dani Pass is the unsung hero, whose exploits in Argentina's 1978 World Cup victory as player and captain are grossly under-appreciated compared to those of Diego Maradona in 1986. Who wouldn't want a rock solid defender who scored around 200 goals in an accomplished career. A born leader, who made Maradona feel extremely insecure.
Ronald Koeman - DEFENDER
Claim to Fame: Holland, FC Barcelona, Ugly as Shite.
No defender in history has more goals than Koeman. Much before we learnt about the existence of a certain Roberto Carlos, this Dutchman had made the art of devastating free kicks very much his own. There still isn't a defender in the game who created side-splitting passes for the attackers as beautifully as this guy effortlessly did.
Eusebio - ATTACKER LEFT
Claim to Fame: Portugal, Benfica.
Did you read the name Eusebio? That's more than enough. Oh, you guys don't understand till materialistic evidence is provided. How about 727 goals in 715 games? When your Messis and Ronaldos do that playing in mediocre teams, then come to me and we'll talk about greatest ever footballers.
Zinedine Zidane - MIDFIELDER CENTRE
Claim to Fame: France, Juventus, Real Madrid, Marco Materazzi.
While we're on greatest ever footballers, for me it's this man. Pele, Romario and Puskas have over 1000 goals, Maradona won single-handedly for Napoli and Argentina, Cryuff introduced Total Football, Platini is UEFA President - but none of these guys were dictators like Zizou: I've yet to see a player who would play with 21 other much quicker footballers and yet they would all be compelled to slow down just to acclimatize to the pace that Zidane had dictated for the match. This man did that till the last game he played at the age of 34. Who else but him would make Buffon look like a joke in a World Cup Final and score a penalty like it was his mam-in-law between the sticks. The cornerstone of any Galactico squad.
Paul Gascoigne - MIDFIELDER CENTRE
Claim to Fame: England, Lazio, Rangers, Vinnie Jones.
The cheeky midfield wizard who loves to make the world believe that he's daft; well he isn't. Just check out his goal against Scotland in Euro 96 and you'll know what I mean. There's absolutely nothing that needs to be said about his phenomenal talent, but he's just a character to be around the squad. Err... just make sure he doesn't set your pubes on fire.
Juninho Pernambucano - ATTACKER RIGHT
Claim to Fame: Brazil, Lyon
This man is a living testament to the age-old belief that there is no justice in this world. When we were bigging up the Kakas and Robinhos of this world, this man was winning the Ligue 1 for Lyon 6 years in a row. Just look where they are as soon as he left. If you go searching for the epitome of the Unsung Hero, look no further - this is your man. Phenomenally skilled footballer.
Dennis Bergkamp - SHADOW FORWARD
Claim to Fame: Holland, Arsenal, Nwankwo Kanu.
You've heard and looked up the dictionary for the meaning of sublime: they're making new additions to it - Dennis Bergkamp. I've heard of people who've scored 1250 goals; only some of them were spectacular. Dennis scored 125. Each one of them spectacular. The best link-up player you'd ever want in a squad.
Ferenc Puskas - SHADOW FORWARD
Claim to Fame: Hungary, Real Madrid.
The greatest player that Manchester United never had and why? 'Cause he didn't speak English. When the team was recuperating from the Munich crash, that was the logic of the Assistant Manager. Puskas instead signed for Real Madrid aged 31. Sir Bobby Charlton said of Puskas, "I remember when Pele scored his 1000th goal. The pictures went round the world and I mentioned it to Puskas. He replied, 'I scored my 1000th goal five years ago' - and he wasn't being boastful." The rest you should know and if you don't, Wikipedia it. This guy's career deserves to be studied in detail. Nothing more to say.
Gerd Muller - STRIKER
Claim to Fame: Germany, FC Bayern Munchen, Err... Goals. Lots of them.
I won't say nothing. Gerd will just appear for the game. He will score. Probably more than once. Have no doubts about that. Period.
RESERVES: Gordon Banks, Lothar Matthaus, Garrincha, Sir Bobby Charlton, Alfredo Di Stefano, Eric Cantona, Romario.
VERY DELIBERATE MISSES: Pele, Diego Maradona, Michel Platini, Johan Cryuff, Franz Beckenbauer. An interesting observation once upon a time made by Romario, "Pele is a poet when he keeps his mouth shut." It applies to all the deliberate misses. Doesn't work for me if great footballers are petty men.
Hence, the Dream Team:
CAUTION: This team is very agile. Handle with flair. But corn aside, don't play us. We'll fuckin' humiliate you.
Feel free to post your Dream Teams and critiques on the above choices.
Long live Champ Man. But only the 1999-2002 editions.
Till the next Chronicle. Adieu.